How to Potty Train Your Child in Less Than a Week Without Really Trying

Potty Training.  We mama's all must suffer through it.  I seem to have stumbled upon a rather easy method for potty training, and not being one to keep such important info to myself...here you go.  A fool-proof, stress-free, easy way to potty train your child in less than a week.  You hardly need to do thing!

Step 1:  Have a baby.  I am partial to girls as I have two of them, but I suppose a boy would be fine.

Step 2:  Read all literature regarding potty-training before your child learns to roll over.  Maybe even before giving birth.  It is always important to be ready when the time comes.

Step 3: Disregard anything you find on the diaper-less baby..."Elimination Communication".  Ewww.  There is a time and a place for diapers.

Step 4: At the very early end of when the "experts" (The What to Expect series) say, you should begin.  Around 18 months...although most hold off until at least 2.  Given that your baby is smarter than most, as mine was, start right away.

Step 5: Put a potty in every room.  Show your child how great the potty is.  Sing and dance around the potty!  Everything you do will create a positive association with the potty!

Step 6: Buy Pull-Ups.  They are twice as expensive as diapers but it doesn't really matter since your child is far above average and will be wearing them for less than a week.

Step 7: Don't worry when your child shows no interest in the potty or even resists all of this positive stuff you are doing.  All perfectly normal.  Try this for several weeks.  When it doesn't work, give up for a few months.  Maybe your kid isn't that far ahead on the learning curve.  Try again when your child turns 2. 

Step 8: Now is the time!  You are ready, they are ready!  Except by now your child is no longer a sweet, compliant baby.  Your child has turned into a strong willed, defiant child.  Try rewarding with M&Ms.  Try a sticker chart.  Try reverse psychology...then give up for a few more months. 

Step 9: At 2 and a half, start freaking out a little bit since they have to be potty trained to attend that top pre-school you have registered for and it begins in a few months.

Step 10: Get a book book that guarantees weekend potty training success and read it cover to cover.  Spend a weekend in hell doing everything the book says.  Give up again.  The pre-school can't be serious!

Step 11: Around age 3 try again.  Your child now understands the concept of actions having consequences.  Create a sticker chart or download a cool app.  At this point, your child should respond pretty quickly and be completely potty trained in a few months.  Congratulations!

What's that?  I promised in less than a week?  And without really trying?  Oh right!

Step 12: Have a second baby.  Preferably of the same sex.

Step 13: Completely forget about everything you tried the first time around since it was all silly and didn't work anyway.

Step 14: Be lucky and have your younger completely adore the older.  

Step 15: Always have the older leave the bathroom door open! Bribe them if you must. This is a very, very important step!

Step 16: At some point near the age of 2 your child will start trying to sit on the potty whenever their older sibling does.  At that point use your toddler-ese and come up with a short phrase to use when it is time to pee.  In our house it is "Sammy potty now!"

Step 17: Whenever your older child uses the potty, yell your equivalent of "Sammy potty now" and stick your younger kid on the potty as soon as the big kid is done.

Step 18:  When the little one sits, pees, poops, whatever...have the big kid cheer and shout.  You can join in too if you want.  In less than a week you can stick your kid in underwear.  

Congratulations!  You potty trained your kid in less than a week and hardly had to do a thing!